The Cold War, Explained Through a Sandbox

(expounded from a post on The Neverending Story)

The Cold War (like all wars, really) is all very complicated, so if you just imagine a playground, I think we can get through it.

We’re going to jump into this pretty much ignoring Sandbox Scuffle I, when this kid named Franz got hit in the face by a dart gun and had to go home, spawning a group tantrum of epic proportions, never seen before in sandbox history. Suffice it to say that after this point, these kids had all seen scuffles before and were no innocent daisies.

So this Boris kid had previously been kinda friends with this American kid named Chad during Sandbox Scuffle II. Chad and Boris had worked together with a bunch of other kids: Nigel, Gaston, Jax, Maple, Xena, Arjun, and Hai to defeat Adolf, Giovanni, and Haruto, who were being really mean to a lot kids, especially Kunte, Abraham, Esmeralda, and Butch. A lot of other kids who wanted to help buy stay out of the fighting quietly helped as many of the bullied kids get out of harm’s way as they could, but sadly, most of the targeted kids had to be picked up by their parents, never to return to the playground. Chad, Boris, and their friends finally succeeded in banishing Adolf and his friends, though.

When Sandbox Scuffle II ended, Boris gathered his bully forces and decided that Chad was now the greatest threat because Chad was running around telling their friends from SSII that if Boris spread his friends out too far in the sandbox, Chad would help push him back. Chad and Boris weren’t really getting along before SSII, but they pushed it aside in order to get rid of Adolf and company. After he was gone, though, they remembered they weren’t friends.

The problem started because Chad and Boris couldn’t see eye to eye on how play time should work. Boris wanted everyone to have access to the exact same toys, and Chad wanted everyone to compete for a few really awesome toys, which would leave most everyone with really shitty toys. Perhaps more importantly than that, Boris wanted his friends only to say they liked broccoli even if they didn’t, but Chad was foot-stompingly adamant that kids should be able to say they didn’t like broccoli if that’s how they really felt.

Now here’s where these kids both shared great turd-like qualities: they did most of their fighting in OTHER kids’ sandboxes. Their power wheels and toy guns were all still broken from fighting with Adolf, so would try to go places where there were only a few of each other’s friends. Chad would go to Boris’s friends in other parts of the sandbox, who didn’t have as much sand to begin with, to tear down the sandcastles that Boris and the other kid were building together, and vice versa. This means that Boris and Chad didn’t get their sand castles destroyed, but those other kids far away sure did.

Meanwhile, a few kids who were sick of this shit ruining their day decided to say they were going to be friends with both Boris AND Chad, just for the sake of keeping their sandcastles in tact. So now Chad and Boris are running around being all petty and manipulative. If there are kids without clear alliances, they would try and help them with some problem they were having in order to make the kid feel loyal to them. Every now and again Boris and Chad came close to a slap fight, but nothing major.

This manipulation ended up causing more problems for all the kids, because everyone was confused all the time about who they could play with and who they were supposed to hate. One day Chad tried to take Elian’s part of the sandbox, but little know to him, Boris had been secretly trying to woo Elian to his side, and convinced him to stock up on a really terrible weapon in case Boris wanted to use it against Chad (because Elian was a lot closer to Chad’s part of the sandbox than Boris). And we all know, if someone poops the sandbox, no one can play in it anymore. Everyone got so scared, that Chad put Elian in the corner and wouldn’t play with him for the next 50 years just because he stored Boris’s poop for him.

Up to this point, Hai had been kind of hanging out with Boris, giving him tips on how he had managed to win over his own set of friends to play in a way similar to what Boris envisioned, but after this Hai felt like he was one poop away from having to go home and started spending less time with Boris. Conversely, Chad’s friends thought maybe they should do more than just wait for Chad to plan everything out for them. They started being more proactive about messing up all of Boris’s sandcastles.

For some reason, through all of this Adolf’s old turf became the line of demarcation – kids that hung out on one side, Boris claimed were his, and kids that played on the other side, Chad claimed as his. Some of these poor kids really weren’t friends with one or the other, but were stuck where they were because because they wanted to play with friends on that particular side, or else a sand castle they had been working on just happened to be in that spot. The kids on Boris’s side kept slipping away to Chad’s side however, because… well Boris was kind of a shit to everyone. Boris had a tantrum when he found out about this, and built a sand wall to keep people from leaving him. Friends that were separated by the wall were very sad about not being able to see each other.

During all this drama, in come the stomp rockets. Somehow Boris and Chad had both gotten their hands on some stomp rocket kits that Adolf hadn’t been able to figure out, and they were both hellbent on getting them assembled and into the air before the other one. There was a very small sandbox nearby, so small and far away that no one could actually pee on it, but both kids figured that landing their stomp rocket in that satellite sandbox would be a good enough way to mark it as their own and thus establish dominance. Boris got his stomp rocket assembled and airborne first, and would forever throw it in Chad’s face. But Chad ultimately got his rocket all the way to that tiny speck of sand first, and would forever throw it in Boris’s face.

Meanwhile, Chad had figured out how to get more sand into his part of the sandbox, while Boris didn’t have enough sand to go around for all of his friends, so they started talking about leaving his group. Finally Boris’s friends got sick of his shit and overthrew him by tearing down his stupid sand wall. After seeing his symbolic iron first laying in ruins, the fight went out of Boris, and he retreated to his corner to drink vodka and judge Chad forevermore.

Legend (not that you’ll need it):
Sandbox Scuffle I = World War I
Sandbox Scuffle II = World War II
Franz = Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Boris = Soviet Union
Chad = America
Nigel = England
Gaston = France
Jax = Australia
Maple = Canada
Xena = New Zealand
Arjun = India
Hai = China
Adolf = Adolf Hitler
Giovanni = Italy
Haruto = Japan
Kunte = those with African heritage
Abraham = Jews
Esmeralda = Gypsies
Butch = the Gays
Elian = Cuba
poop = the Cuban Missile Crisis
stomp rocket = the Space Race
sand wall = the Berlin Wall

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