Drink Some More…

I want to fall in love just as much as I don’t want to.

I love love.

I love that feeling of being accepted 100% for who I am.
Until I’m not.

I love someone knowing everything about me.
Until they don’t know me at all.

I love someone being able to make me completely happy.
Until they make me sad.

I love when silence isn’t awkward.
Until it is deafening.

I love the idea of love.
Until I am in love.
And come to find out it isn’t love.
It was just an idea.

Viola tricolor var. hortensis

There is a difference between my self destructive thoughts
And when I really want to
Hurt
My
Self

Self destructive thoughts are constant
They are the glue that keeps me stuck to the bottom
And there is a solvent for that glue
But there is no cure, no healing, no bandage for the pain I inflict on myself
No amount of therapy to prepare me
For the sneak attack of me

And when I really want to
Hurt
My
Self
Really want to drive the blade in and rotate
I think about
You
With
Her

Just scratches at first:
Were you able to run your fingers though her straight hair instead of them getting stuck like they did in my curly mess?
Were her lips softer than mine, because I tried to make them softer, I really did, by putting chapstick on religiously but you know I can’t…you knew…I always seem to get that one little chapped spot and I…

Then I start working my way up:
Did you marvel at the smoothness of her skinny flesh? How easy it must have been for her to lay across you without taking the price of your breath.
Did her short stature make you think of her as more of a woman?
Did looking down on her make you feel like more of a man?
And when you entered her…

And then I start to turn the blade:
What could have possibly worked better to patch your broken pieces than over a decade of my life and all of my heart?
What did she have that gave your hand the right to touch her bare thigh when it was still warm from mine?
Did you start to fall in love with her?
Did you?
You did. You had to.
It is obvious that no one could ever want this
HORRID
DISGUSTING
OGRE
OF A WOMAN.
INSECURE
DAMAGED
TAINTED
USELESS
PIECE OF GARBAGE.
UNWORTHY
PIECE OF SHIT.

And then I pour the salt in the wounds:
Anyone who wants me doesn’t know me.
Anyone who knows me doesn’t want me.
Anyone who says otherwise is a liar,
And you could lie so sweetly.
My biggest fear is you didn’t lie to her.

 

 

Back Fat

Because my fat is my armor, you know
Heaven forbid I break free from these heavy folds
And become the physical embodiment of my finer attributes

My sense of humor
My lust
My quick tongue
Muffled by my layers and dismissed with a shrug and a whisper of if only…

If only she weren’t so fat
If only she were pretty
My thoughts roar with the whispers I imagine in the minds of others

Because if there were any armor to choose from, let it be fat
Let my rolls be the hills and valleys you must quest through
To get the ultimate reward

Because no one will love you
Will fuck you
Will adore you
Like a fat girl thankful for your attention

Or so you think.

Let Down

But I know it’s nothing to you

And while I ponder and dismantle

You cuddle up, cozy in yourself

Like I want to be.

 

The other me is confident

But she is dull now

She lives in your attention

She thrives on your words.

 

I have silenced you both

Tired of being lost in nothing

Making it my everything

Making her.

 

Hopeful and vibrant

She is all that makes me sick

Her giddiness infects me

My judgement crazed.

 

I come into your attention

Like a dog’s tail, wagging

Blindly devoted and

Always disappointed.

Just a Typical Tuesday Night

I lost our wedding rings, my love

I was remembering how your ring was always a little too big for my thumb
But I’ve gained some weight
So I had to try
Even though I can’t wear my own band without tears and pain
So I get out of bed
And tread the silence of 2 am as quietly as possible
Because 2 am wants the company I don’t want to give
I make my way up the stairs
Making a mental note to vacuum them tomorrow
…today…
There’s so much dog hair on them
I stop at our sons room and peek in
He is an angel
So I go into the spare room and walk to the shelf
I think you’d like the box you’re in
Classic…not too over the top
Your name looks regal when it’s engraved
The top slides, so I move your favorite picture of us
That is in the frame I bought with the gift card we got as a wedding present
My smile was so big
I move the picture and slide the top from left to right
Inside is the rose you gave me
The one when you tried to get me back
I took it and then said “How dare you make me watch you drive away again.”
And then I watched you drive away for the last time
So I take out the rose and put my hand to where I think the rings are
Nothing
So I slide my hand along the thick plastic that holds what is physically left of you
Nothing
Maybe they slid down in a corner
So I check
Each
Corner
And they aren’t there
My mind goes frantic
I replace the lid and run downstairs
The stairs I really need to vacuum tomorrow
…today…
Jewelry boxes
I check the first by grabbing the pile of hemp necklaces and chainless pendants
Nothing
I open the second; the carved wood box you got me in California
Nothing
I check another box, the one your mom gave me for Christmas
She’s dead, too
Nothing
I go to my mom’s jewelry box
She’s also dead
Nothing
Nothing
I stand and stare into nothing
My mind racing
I do the only thing I can and run back upstairs
But like, who puts carpet on stairs anyway?
I take your box off the shelf and sit it on the bed
Slide the lid from left to right
Take out the rose
And I carefully lift you out
Not you
This bag of dust is not you
You were the one that made me laugh harder than anyone else in the world
You were the one that couldn’t live without me
You were the father of our child
You were mine
I glance over to the box
And there they are

Your ring is still a little too big for my thumb