33. Outlander 1.11 – The Devil’s Mark

(The Outlander series of podcasts is not researched or prepared in advance the same way as our regular podcasts. Because of this, our accompanying blog posts will not contain notes/transcripts.)

Listen to the podcast here: http://notyourmom.libsyn.com/outlander-111-the-devils-mark-0

Episode 1.11 “The Devil’s Mark” – original air date April 18, 2015

The next installment in Nikki and Sher’s Outlander sub-series! We’ll be reviewing all the episodes of Outlander, in honor of droughtlander. We’ll continue reviewing episodes until the end of the series!

As usual, this episode is only pretending to be about Outlander, while Nikki and Sher catch you up on their lives and comment on The Devil’s Mark.

*spoilers for the books and episodes*

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Favorite Quote: “Looks like I’m going to a fucking barbecue.” – Geillis

What did YOU think of the topics we discussed? We’d love to hear from you!

Speed

Listen to the podcast here: http://notyourmom.libsyn.com/32-speed

Speed (R)
1994
93% rotten tomatoes

Li’l baby Keanu was 30 years old when this movie was made. LOOK AT HIS LI’L BABY FACE AND HIS LI’L BABY BUZZCUT!

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Ack, okay down to business.

1994 and thereabouts is a special time in movie history. This is kind of the last time we get movies without a major CGI component. All of the effects here are just standard trickery and deceit.

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CGI was definitely a thing by 1994, but it wasn’t extensively used like it is now. In fact, Jurassic Park was the first physically textured CGI, and that was in 1993. What is physically textured CGI you ask? I’ll tell you. It’s Level Three computer magic. 2D computer animation is Level One (beginning in 1972), 3D computer graphics is Level Two (beginning in 1976). That is the extent of my knowledge. Okay, okay. I can’t find a really good description of the processes, but from what I can understand of what I did read, computer graphics prior to Jurassic Park were just kind of layered over whatever was shot on film. The difference in the physical texturing is the use of green scenes to implant the computer images into the final product.

Some additional landmarks – Toy Story was the first full-length CGI film (1995). Starship Troopers had the first big ol’ CGI battle scenes (1997). Fight Club first used something called photogrammetry, which is using photographs to measure things (1999). Perception/timing alteration – The Matrix (1999). First use of motion capture GOLLUM from LOTR: The Two Towers (2002).

The point is – all the action in the old action movies has a different kind of feel to it, prior to all the CGI. I’m not saying CGI is bad – it’s great, but it’s different, that’s all. Two things can be different but still equally lovable.

A note on the script – the characters in this movie are all unexpectedly well-developed. Well guess who wrote the dialogue for the movie? JOSS WHEDON. You know he has a great talent for inter-character relationships. Buffy. Firefly. All have casts with crackling chemistry and very believable human interaction.

Okay, so let’s do a short plot recap. Keanu Reeves and Jeff Daniels are super cops. Not like Robocop, but since they’re the focus of the movie, we’re led to believe they’re better than other cops. Even the other SWAT cops. And we’re right, obviously. The movie starts out with them foiling a disgruntled ex-bomb squad guy’s plan to extort money by trapping hostages in an elevator.

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Side note – being trapped with a random selection of people inside an elevator in peril is an excellent way to see someone’s true colors. It’s a good first date idea. Keep that in mind.

Okay, so ex-bomb guy is like, oh yeah? How about I DIDN’T actually blow myself up like you thought – I escaped, because I’m an evil genius. And by the way – if that wasn’t elaborate enough for you WATCH THIS. I’m going to blow up a random bus when it’s right in front of you, just to get your attention so I can tell you that I’ve rigged a random city bus with a BOMB. But not just any bomb, oohhhhh no. This is an extra special, needlessly intricate, super dramatic bomb. It’s just going to chill under this bus. BUT – once the bus gets up to 50 mph, then it’s ARMED. And once it’s ARMED, the bomb will go off if you let that bus get BELOW 50 mph.

2hpfhu

So our super cop Jack finds a way to get on that bus dammit, because that’s the only place he can solve the problem. Using a walkie-talkie (cell phones were neither widely available nor affordable in 1994), he can communicate with other super cops and make all the right turns to avoid LA traffic so they won’t slow down and explode. Here comes a series of obstacles: panicked guy shoots the driver. A panicked woman tries to get off the bus with the injured driver and oh ho ho – ex-bomb squad guy thought of everything because he already has a tiny bomb under the bus stairs for just such an occasion. He explodes the stairs and panic lady gets crushed under the bus because that’s the punishment for panicking.

Jack, because he’s so young and level-headed, decides he’s going to get under that bus, goddammit. So that’s what he does. And what does he find??? A FAKE BOMB. The peasants rejoice. But then finds the MUCH BIGGER REAL BOMB. The peasants despair. But what’s this??? A clue??? A shitty gold watch OMG THE BOMBER MUST BE EX-POLICE BECAUSE THIS IS EXACTLY THE SHITTY GOLD WATCHES WE GIVE TO COPS ON THEIR WAY OUT. So based on this and other context clues, I guess, they figure out this guy used to be on the Atlanta bomb squad. No word on why he’s in LA. I guess because at the time Atlanta wasn’t a big filming destination, and he couldn’t be from LA because then the cops would have known who he was.

So Jack’s beloved partner goes on a raid to dude’s house and – I have to pause here for a moment. This fella has been blowing stuff up all over the city, right? So you’re gonna just walk up in his house. Cool – so they get blown up, and now Jack is devastated that his partner has been blowed up. So of course he’s going to redouble his efforts, because REVENGE.

Buncha stuff happens, but let’s skip forward to – the end. Everyone is off the bus now except for Jack and Annie. They couldn’t get off because of reasons. So they find a pipe laying around, jam it on the pedal, hurl themselves off the bus, and watch it crash into a plane and explode. I assume the plane was empty.

Now Jack has to chase down the money they left for Atlanta guy, but Atlanta guy is so far ahead of them – he’s anticipated every move (because he’s an ex-cop and he knows how they think, ya know), so he’s gotten the money away, but he RESURFACES AND KIDNAPS ANNIE because women is bait, y’all. So he puts a suit made of bombs on her and takes her as a human shield to the subway, then handcuffs her to the subway.

He’s making his getaway on the subway when he decides it’s time to fondle that sweet dough. There’s a dye pack in there though, and it explodes in his face, and makes him super mad. He hears Jack stomping around on top of the subway car and goes up there to finish off that meddling kid. But instead he gets decapitated.

So now Jack and Annie are in a runaway subway car that’s going too fast and being conducted by NO ONE. He takes off her suit made of bombs but can’t manage the handcuffs. (?) So he derails the subway car on purpose, which results in it being jettisoned out onto the street where it turns on its side and all the windows break and Annie is THROWN on top of Jack (lucky) and also they kiss. The end.

So what is the point of all this, you ask? Good question. A good action movie has to have a good bad guy motivation, otherwise it just drowns in its own preposterousness. On the surface, Howard Payne is pissed because his thumb got blown off and he was forced to retire. But… you have know when you join a bomb squad that you might get maimed. It seems like it’s probably on the job application. I’m not sure why the amount of money he wanted was 3.7 million, but it’s possible I just missed it hidden somewhere in the dialogue. I think the reason this movie doesn’t feel ridiculous and contrived, even though it is, is not so much Payne’s motivation, but rather his dedication. This fool is very determined to get his money, and the elaborateness is him giving a big “fuck you” to the career that spurned him. As someone who appreciates vengeance, I can fully buy into this villain.

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As you may know, Speed has been called “Die Hard on a bus” and I am inclined to agree. Why you ask? There’s lots of broken glass in this movie. So many explosions. Underground tunneling. Bomb complications. Hero embroiled in a situation far more intense than he’s trained for. Villain always three steps ahead, and has complex plans – in short, he’s a respectable equal to the hero, instead of a bumbling brute. Villain kidnaps the hero’s woman. Villain dies a grisly death. Speed is Die Hard on a bus.

Okay, enough gushing. Let’s get to poking holes. The scene where the bus jumps the gap in the road. We all know that’s physically impossible, yes? Let’s explore.

I got details from a couple of physics focused websites.

Here are some physics basics – gravity has no horizontal effect, so as soon as the bus leaves the road, it is falling. It’s completely up to its horizontal velocity as to where it’s going to end up.

SO – the gap is 50 feet, or 15 meters. The road from which they jump appears to be mostly flat, about a 5 degree incline. The bus launched into the air traveling 67/68 mph. In reality, the front bumper of the bus would have smacked onto the other side of the jump, and then would have plummeted to the ground, killing everyone, unless the bomb went off first, which would also have killed everyone.

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Just install some hydraulics to give your bus that extra lift before charging over certain death

In order for this jump to have worked, the following changes would have to take place: The bus would have to be travelling at 78.3 mph, and would have to take off from a 30 degree incline. That’s quite a bit different than what was depicted.

But let’s talk about physics some more, shall we? What always bugged me as a kid – while the bus is mid-air, there is no friction against those spinning wheel, yes? So what would the speedometer actually read? Would it drop or spike up? Does it matter if she kept her foot on the gas? What happens when you touch back down if you have it floored in midair? Then I realized I actually have no clue how a speedometer works, so INTERNET.

Let’s find out how speedometers work, shall we? Speed is just how long it takes you to go a certain distance, which sounds like it’s measured after the fact, right? What your speedometer tells you is your instantaneous speed – how fast you’re going right now. We know the basic car mechanics, right? Fuel combusts, pistons pump, engine turns over, which engages the driveshaft, and then the wheels go.

So apparently, there’s a li’l speedometer cable attached the driveshaft (it can also show up in other places). The speedometer cable spins a magnet inside something called a speed cup, which creates eddy currents in the cup that spins it as it tries to keep up with the magnet. There’s a hair spring on the drive shaft between the magnet and the speed cup, and it tightens, which keeps the the cup from turning all the way. The pointer on your speedometer is based on how far the hair spring lets that cup turn. Which leads me to wonder how do we ever know how fast we’re actually going.

Electronic speedometers use magnets positioned to pass each other on the drive shaft and create a little current. A circuit measures the time between those pulses and converts it to a speed reading, just FYI.

Okay, so this is all good to know but it doesn’t really answer my question, so the next obvious step is consult an expert car guy. Enter James – ex-Marine, current mechanic, all-around cool dude.

He told me that in addition to this sensor system, some newer cars will have a GPS mechanism to read speed. I don’t think that applies in 1994, so we’ll stick with the mechanical system.

Whilst in the air, the speedometer would have shown higher than their actual instantaneous speed because of the reduced load on the drive train due to the absence of friction on the tires. This makes sense now. Additionally, he says the bus would have slowed down in reality, yes, because the drive train has nothing to push against. So as long as the bus didn’t slow down to under 50 during it’s descent, and was able to keep moving swiftly once it was on the other side of the road, it’s plausible that the bomb wouldn’t go off – ASSUMING – he says, that the bomb was wired to the speedometer, and not something weird that would measure the actual speed of the bus. In which case kablooey.

Apparently, people who worked on this movie thought it was going to be an epic failure, but it turned out to be rousing success, as well as other movies like it. I feel like it was a changing of the guard of sorts. We’re moving out of the 80’s action movies that were very campy, and so sweaty. Die Hard came out at the end of the 80’s, in 1988, so it acts as the vanguard for change.

Let’s review. The 80’s were full of movies starring jacked dudes just tearing shit up. Terminator, Robocop, Predator, Rambo, Commando, Mad Max, Conan, Escape from New York, Road House, Bloodsport, Lethal Weapon, etc. The big names were Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Steven Segal, Chuck Norris. I will admit I’m being a little selective. I’m not including horror/sci-fi or adventure movies, like Alien and Indiana Jones. I’m focusing on the manly action movies.

To be fair, a lot of these guys were still kicking around in the next decade, but additionally, the 90’s were full of movies starring Jackie Chan, Jet Li, Jean Claude, Tom Cruise. The new class of action heroes were still buff, but not on steroids. The fighting shifted from brute strength and huge machine guns to very skilled combat. We looked for action stars to not only be physically capable, but mentally agile and cool under pressure as well. We’ve got a lot of movies where an average guy gets caught up in some crazy stuff – Point Break, The Fugitive, Independence Day, Con Air, The Fifth Element, The Matrix, Face/Off, Desperado, Cliffhanger I guess, Universal Soldier, etc. That’s not to say these things were absent in other decades, but the concentrations were shifting.

In conclusion, here are some rippling forearms:

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What did YOU think of the topics we discussed? We’d love to hear from you!

32. Speed

Listen to the podcast here: http://notyourmom.libsyn.com/32-speed

Nikki and Sher do speed! I mean Speed! We talk speedometers, elaborate villains, that pesky bus jump, and decide if Speed really is Die Hard on a bus.

Also, we’re in Georgia, so there’s a little background noise from the air conditioner. It’s hot, y’all. Enjoy!

Articles/sites referenced in the show:

https://www.empireonline.com/movies/features/history-cgi/

https://physics.info/projectiles/practice.shtml

https://www.explainthatstuff.com/how-speedometer-works.html

https://film.avclub.com/keanu-reeves-boards-a-bus-that-can-t-slow-down-for-one-1798257725

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/06/09/speed-anniversary_n_5375581.html

Favorite quote: “Shoot the hostage.” – Jack Traven

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31. Outlander 1.10 – By the Pricking of My Thumbs

(The Outlander series of podcasts is not researched or prepared in advance the same way as our regular podcasts. Because of this, our accompanying blog posts will not contain notes/transcripts.)

Listen to the podcast here: http://notyourmom.libsyn.com/31-outlander-110-by-the-pricking-of-my-thumbs

Episode 1.10 “By the Pricking of My Thumbs” – original air date April 11, 2015
Starz network

Nikki and Sher launch a sub-series! We’ll be reviewing all the episodes of Outlander, beginning with the beginning, in honor of droughtlander. We’ll continue reviewing episodes until the end of the series!

As usual, this episode is only pretending to be about Outlander, while Nikki and Sher catch you up on their lives, talk frankly about suicide and its repercussions, and comment on By the Pricking of My Thumbs. If you’re easily offended, this episode (and probably the whole dang podcast) is definitely not for you!

*spoilers for the books and episodes*

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Favorite Quote: “If ye drop him, I’ll have yer balls.” – Rupert

What did YOU think of the topics we discussed? We’d love to hear from you!

30. The Mummy

Listen to the podcast here: http://notyourmom.libsyn.com/30-the-mummy

Nikki and Sher bring you the highlights of the Egypt craze of the early 20th century, discuss the Pharaoh’s curse (spoiler alert – not a real curse), debate the ethics of excavating the dead, and look at the real historical figures that the characters are based on (spoiler alert – it’s the Imhotep you’re thinking of).

Also, we’re in Georgia, so there’s a little background noise from the air conditioner. It’s hot, y’all. Enjoy!

Articles/sites referenced in the show:

https://www.cbsnews.com/news/fraser-survives-ithe-mummy-i/

https://www.history.com/this-day-in-history/archaeologist-opens-tomb-of-king-tut

https://www.biography.com/people/howard-carter-20683395

http://mentalfloss.com/article/23321/victims-king-tuts-curse

https://www.history.com/news/is-the-curse-of-king-tut-real

https://news.nationalgeographic.com/2016/04/160407-archaeology-religion-repatriation-bones-skeletons/

https://www.britannica.com/biography/Imhotep

Favorite quote: “HEY! Looks like you’re on the wrong side of the riiiiveerrrr!” – Rick O’Connell

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29. Outlander 1.9 – The Reckoning

(The Outlander series of podcasts is not researched or prepared in advance the same way as our regular podcasts. Because of this, our accompanying blog posts will not contain notes/transcripts.)

Listen to the podcast here: http://notyourmom.libsyn.com/outlander-19-the-reckoning

Episode 1.9 “The Reckoning” – original air date April 4, 2015
Starz network
Nikki and Sher launch a sub-series! We’ll be reviewing all the episodes of Outlander, beginning with the beginning, in honor of droughtlander. We’ll continue reviewing episodes until the end of the series!As usual, this episode is only pretending to be about Outlander, while Nikki and Sher catch you up on their lives, talk frankly about suicide and its repercussions, and comment on The Reckoning. If you’re easily offended, this episode (and probably the whole dang podcast) is definitely not for you!

*trigger warning – suicide talk*
*spoilers for the books and episodes*

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Favorite Quote: “What does fucking mean?” – Jamie Fraser

What did YOU think of the topics we discussed? We’d love to hear from you!

Predator

Listen to the podcast here: http://notyourmom.libsyn.com/28-predator

Predator (R )
1987
80% rotten tomatoes

Now, Predator does not take place during a war, but I always think of Vietnam when I see it. Maybe because it’s jungle-y, but it just LOOKS like the footage from Vietnam. We’re here in South America, and NOT in Vietnam, but still. In my defense, the Vietnam War was twenty fricking years long, so it’s safe to say that it stayed with the public consciousness for a while. “Hey, where can we drop these soldiers off in a place that makes sense? The jungle you say? That sounds right.” We just can’t stay away from war, can we?

Before we jump in, let’s give some background: Predator and Alien (and unfortunately Prometheus (and Blade Runner!!)) all exist in the same universe. Predator hunts Alien – Alien hunts Predator. The grand culmination – one of the first of many mainstream franchise crossovers – was Alien vs. Predator in 2004. Freddy vs. Jason beat it out by one year.

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BUT BEFORE ALIEN VS. PREDATOR – we have Dutch and Sarge running around on a mysterious covert mission in South America and their team being picked off one by one as an alien monster with unfair advantages (such as laser cannon, thermal vision, and knowing about it’s existence) hunts them. Do the lesser humans triumph? You bet your sweet ass they do. Except… there’s kind of an unnerving appropriated (yes) laughter that happens at the end that is not expected of something that’s just been defeated. What does he know that we don’t??? So much. So much…

Fun fact: Jean Claude Van Damme (JCVD) was originally supposed to play the Predator, which would have essentially turned him into an alien ninja. I am glad this did not happen. A couple of things ensured this most fortunate failure – they couldn’t get the makeup and prosthetics to work in the jungle, and also they were afraid Predator would seem puny next to all the enormous bodybuilders. That’s a legitimate concern. Ultimately Predator was voiced by Peter Cullen, who did the voice for King Kong and also OPTIMUS PRIME, and played by mime and actor Kevin Peter Hall.

WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT KEVIN PETER HALL.

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look how sweet and normal he is!!

Remember back when I said JCVD wasn’t big enough to realistically intimidate the likes of Carl Weathers and Arnold schwarz? Kevin Peter Hall was 7’2”. He wasn’t bulky like the other cast members – if you look at pictures of him he seems very long and lean – he’s built like Kareem Abdul Jabbar, who is also 7’2”. But that’s still a YUGE human. Unsurprisingly, he played basketball in college and also professionally for awhile. Since he was so tall, he often played monsters. He was Harry in Harry and the Hendersons, and did some horror movie stuff, and he was ALMOST cast as Geordi La Forge.

Ready for some heartbreak? Hall died at the age of 35. He had complications from AIDS, which he contracted from a blood transfusion. In an interview, you can watch some footage of the behind the scenes of Predator, which include some of the hilarious earlier versions of the monster suit.

Hall says that he tried hard to give all of his costume characters the same motivation and mental nuance and attention that he did to his regular human characters – he didn’t just think of it as a physical role. AND – in contrast to JCVD having hissy fits about the motion capture outfit from the first attempt – the make up effect artist said that Hall was very professional and nice, and everyone had great things to say about him so obviously this man did not deserve to die such a horrible death and the universe should be ashamed of itself. One warning – if you watch this interview you will see Carl Weathers without his mustache and it’s not pretty. That means needs a mustache at all times so he doesn’t look like a middle-aged baby.

Let’s put that sadness behind us and talk about something cool: Predator’s abilities and gadgets.

The invisibility effect in this movie is probably still my favorite invisibility effect because it seems like how it would actually look. There’s just a little bit of blurry movement, but if you blink you’ll miss it. I’m going to link an article that goes into details, because I don’t understand it enough to rephrase it. But basically Hall would wear all red, to contrast with the green/blue color scheme of the jungle and do a thing, then the camera would do an identical take, so i assume they were using some kind of rig that they could ensure would repeat exactly what they’d just done. Then they filmed the same shot again, but with a wider lens. They then used magic to put all three shots together, which made it look like light was bending around Hall figure. It’s beautiful nerdy stuff.

Fun fact – science is getting pretty good at making invisibility cloaks. There are more and more items that come up where scientists have figured out some way to scatter light and reflect another point onto the thing with lenses. It’s only a matter of time until I can say “I’m in your kitchen eating your food” and it will actually be true.

So earlier I mentioned his laser cannon, but the proper term is plasmacaster. It sits atop his shoulder, and sights a target using three beams of light (called a laser rangefinder) from the helmet that create a triangle of death. Because the laser rangefinder comes from the helmet, the plasmacaster will sight as Predator moves his head. Then it shoots plasma at variable blast powers to stun or explode you, or anything in between. Can also be unmounted and carried in the hand.

What else. Thermal vision? Yes please. I’ve always wanted this. I think it’s because I have glasses and am always looking for an ocular upgrade. This seems to be packaged as part of a “detect life forms” module, because we hear heartbeats when we see the hot bodies (huh huh huh huh). How do you cover your hammering heart with cold mud, Arnold? Oh, you work out so much your resting heartrate is 5? Okay then, sorry I asked.

Well it IS a module and it’s called the bio-mask. These masks allow Predator to see in thermal (infrared), health stats mode, or xenomorph mode. In a subsequent movie, we see a predator put a sample of a substance into his bracelet, ‘scuse me, Wrist Gauntlet, and have it update his bio-mask to highlight that substance, so the possibilities are kind of endless here. It’s kinda like the Sheikah sensor in BOTW.

And of course, how could we forget the ultimate universal translator. You would think a civilization that has such amazing technology would have better things to do. Or maybe that’s the point – they’ve achieved such a level of competence and efficiency that this is what they do to feel challenged and engaged.

There are a bunch more weapons and tools Predator has, and you can check them out on Xenopedia. I find that fandom websites are extremely useful for this sort of detail-oriented nit-pickiness.

Okay let’s talk about these dudes. They’re huge dudes. How do you get that many huge dudes to fit in one choppa? Well, they didn’t actually have to worry about how many would fit in the helicopter, turns out (huh huh huh huh). The reason they all look like action figures is because the characters’ looks are based on Sgt Rock comics. All you have to do is look at the covers and you’re like “yeah I get it.” It’s all machine guns and tank tops and punching. They’re DC comics, so I assume they’ll bring you down and leave you depressed. I did not read any as part of this episode’s research.

Sgt-Rock1

Supposedly the director, McTiernan was trying to be subversive. I don’t think a lot of it comes across, likely because of meddling on the part of others. He said that firing all those bullets into the jungle was supposed to be set up so that nothing was back there; hitting nothing was supposed to point out how “impotent” guns are (I don’t think that’s the argument we need), but a producer ended up changing it so there are bodies in there. I don’t know know it would have played differently – there are so many other extremely macho elements that this subtle dig probably would have gone unnoticed, but who knows. McTierney also directed Die Hard- and I still think of these movies – these two specific movies – as possibly the most stereotypically macho action movies ever made. If there’s any sneaky progressiveness or depth in here, I don’t see it. I love these movies – don’t get me wrong, but when I want to think deeply, they’re not my go to.

What did YOU think of the topics we discussed? We’d love to hear from you!

28. Predator

Listen to the podcast here: http://notyourmom.libsyn.com/28-predator

IT’S OUR ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY PODCAST, WHICH IS SLIGHTLY LATE!!! To commemorate such a momentous occasion, our podcast topic is PREDATOR – our first viewing of which was essentially a distillation of our friendship, for reasons that will be explained during the show.

We give you the deets on all that super cool Predator tech, why it makes sense that Dutch’s entire team was buff af, and how it’s super (not) weird that Predator is sexy.

Articles/sites referenced in the show:

https://www.cnn.com/2016/07/20/health/invisibility-cloaks-research/index.html

http://avp.wikia.com/wiki/Plasmacaster

http://avp.wikia.com/wiki/Bio-Mask

http://avp.wikia.com/wiki/Main_Page

http://mentalfloss.com/article/62249/15-things-you-probably-didnt-know-about-predator

http://www.indiewire.com/2012/06/25th-anniversary-5-things-you-might-not-know-about-predator-109412/

Favorite quote: “This stuff will make you a goddamn sexual tyrannosaurus, just like me.” – Blain

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Hellboy

Listen to the podcast here: http://notyourmom.libsyn.com/24-hellboy

Hellboy (PG 13)

2004
81% Rotten Tomatoes

Hellboy is a Dark Horse comics character, introduced in 1993. He’s much beloved, but not terribly popular with the masses. That’s fine. More Hellboy for the nerds. Speaking of nerds, Hellboy was directed by Guillermo del Toro, who directed Pan’s Labyrinth, Crimson Peak, Blade II, Cronos (also starring Ron Perlman), Mimic, The Hobbit movies, and a berjillion more. And no he is not related to Benicio del Toro. I checked. Guillermo hails from Mexico, and Benicio was born in Puerto Rico. Both beautiful countries, but very much separate places. From what I can find, they’ve never worked on a movie together, which I assume would be like crossing the streams in Ghostbusters. That would be bad, but it would be so worth worth it.

Ron Perlman – I’m not sure if I’m madly in love with him or if I want him to be my protective uncle. It’s very confusing. If you don’t know who Ron Perlman is, you probably shouldn’t be listening to our podcast because you wouldn’t like who we are very much. Just in case you need a primer, Ron Perlman has had an impressive career of doing really cool stuff. He was in the original Beauty and the Beast tv show, Sons of Anarchy, Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, etc. He’s been a voice actor on Adventure Time, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Family Guy, Archer; he’s done voices for Call of Duty: Black Ops, some of the Fallouts, some of the Halos; the list goes on and on. He’s one of those actors who’s always working.

A lot of his more popular roles, for some reason, feature him in a lot of heavy prosthetics. I think this has to do with his big hulking frame and his incredible talent. He’s 6’1” and built like a wrestler, but he’s a terrific actor who can play not only humorous and violent, but vulnerable and complicated. This all adds up to him being able to play monsters that have depth, and complex emotional stories. That’s a special niche. This is not to say that Ron Perlman is himself monstrous – he’s got a very affable, pleasant face. At least to me. He has a gravelly deep voice that makes you feel warm and fuzzy, unless you’re on the wrong side of it. And he’s sooo goooood. He disappears into his roles; he’s so engaging and sincere.

Sidenote – So I was looking up pictures of him as a young man, and there was one where he’s got a little girl clinging onto his back, and in one of the comments a person said how this would have made an awesome Bioshock movie and I, in terms of instantaneous mood swings, became elated at the perfection of Ron Perlman as a Big Daddy, and then furious that the timing hadn’t worked out, and then deeply depressed that this movie would never exist. The image is from, I think, a 1995 movie called The City of Lost Children. I mean I guess he still could – the Big Daddies are kind of cyborgs who are mostly metal…

MOVING ON

 

What I find hilarious, laughable, ridiculous, is that all these Nazis, in a desperate move to turn the war back in their favor before they’re defeated, put all their energy and resources into opening a portal to hell in order to unleash an army of demons on the allied forces – but all they manage to conjure up is a baby demon. A baby. A li’l tiny red baby demon. How disappointing that must have been for the Nazis. More importantly – how was that baby in hell if it had a human mother? I’m missing something the comics can probably fill in.

Lucky for us, the Allied forces (Professor Broom to be specific) rescued baby Red from the Nazis and raised him to be a tortured good guy with a love of cigars and cats. Now, as any supernatural kid raised in the human world will tell you, there’s some angst there. He’s not like the other kids. Not just the human kids, but he’s not like the merman kid, either. It’s hard to conceive of the absolute loneliness that comes from being the only one of you, and half EVIL DEMON at that. Especially with the way he looks, there’s no chance people won’t make a snap decision about him.

But we get to skip all that and go straight to adulthood. Hellboy is a crusty, stoic loner who would very much like you to leave him alone to smoke and drink in piece. In del Toro’s hands, his curmudgeonly attitude is charming, but if you’d plopped this character down into a movie like Sin City, he would be moody and dramatic. So I think a lot of credit goes to both Perlman and del Toro for striking a balance of duty and vulnerability, and snark and sincerity. Abe Sapien is pretty much the polar opposite of Big Red, and we need them both.

And it’s important to point out that Hellboy is not at all mean, he’s walled off for sure, but he doesn’t have a narcissistic self-destructive personality where there’s a martyr or victim complex. He’s got some pretty significant issues, but he keeps doggedly doing what needs to be done, even though he gets beat the fuck up in the process. In this way he reminds me a lot of Constantine. Also a grump, and also made extremely lovable because who can hate Keanu? He’s like the best person on the planet. He’s going to be reincarnated as a thousand dogs. He might be a thousand dogs reincarnated, such is his lovableness. And they’re both wise-asses. And they both have lady problems.

Now raise your hand if you thought his fully grown out horns were sexy as hell. Yeah, me too. Why are we so attracted to demonic figures? Trying to find the answers to this question is maddening. There are a number of rabbit holes that skirt around the issue, but none that really stare it in the face. Google thinks the best match is “why are women attracted to bad boys?” and when you click on a couple of those links it gets gross pretty fast. There are a number of sites out there listing the attributes women find attractive, and saying that all we want is money or power, and here’s how to project that confidence and assholery. I assume these are men who get rejected a lot, and so are pitching the blame onto women, instead of developing a decent personality and sense of humor. These are probably the guys who cry about the friend zone, as though women owe them sex and aren’t actual humans you could just be friends with.

The whole “women like bad boys thing” is not new, and honestly it’s not wrong. But… and let me be perfectly clear here, this phenomenon is generally limited to eye lust. Or lust in general. Sure, James Dean looks good in that leather jacket, smoking a cigarette, and being all “fuck tha police”. But we know what happens if we settle down with that guy. You get Marlon Brando from a Streetcar Named Desire. He’s hot, but he’s a dick. Not worth it.

https://thedebrief.co.uk/relationships/dating/dark-triad-attracted/

https://www.healthyplace.com/personality-disorders/psychopath/psychopath-vs-sociopath-what-s-the-difference/

Apparently there’s something called a Dark Triad of personality traits. This collection of traits have their roots in Machiavelli’s The Prince, but show up everywhhhhhhere in literature (now and throughout history) as well as film and tv and real life. Women have these traits as well, but we see them most often in men. Here are the traits: narcissism, which is an extreme self-interest and self-love that goes way beyond healthy self-esteem; Machiavellianism, which is essentially manipulation of other people to get an outcome most beneficial to oneself; and psychopathy, which is a lack of conscience and empathy. Psychopathy is different from sociopathy in that sociopaths do have a conscience and empathy, but they’re shriveled and weak, like atrophied muscles. You would almost be right if you said they were the same, but psychopathy is a more severe form.

BUT SHOULDN’T WE ABHOR THESE TRAITS? Well, sociopaths and psychopaths aren’t necessarily evil people – some of them might just be very socially awkward people. You’re actually more likely to be charmed by a psychopath. They can go full hog into manipulation; lying and telling you what you want to hear to without any emotional baggage. Sociopaths will struggle a little more with this, especially with people they care about. That’s really the hallmark of the triad – manipulation. All of these traits stacked on each other equals a person you absolutely cannot trust, but who designs situations in which you really want to trust them. They’re attractive to us because they’re smooth as melted butter over a well-worn river rock. They’re confident because they love themselves so much, and after a few forays into manipulation with positive results, they exude even more confidence, which is reassuring to others. They’re often ambitious – because of the narcissism they believe they deserve greatness – and so you become quite convinced that they ARE in fact the next big thing. If a man like this has you in his sights, you feel special, even magical, because you know he can have any woman he wants. Aaaaaaaaaaand because of this we tend to overlook their terrible, awful behavior, believing that since we are so special to have been chosen, we are the ones who can change them. Well, some of us. The rest of us see right through these assholes, and try so hard to get our friends to see the light. TO NO AVAIL.

Spratt (the author of the article referenced), says that these men are often very hard to call out on their lies, because their self-deprecating sense of humor protects their ego by essentially giving them plausible deniabilty – “whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat? Oooooobbbbbbbviously I was joooooooking. Of course you haven’t caught me in a liiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeee.”

She goes on to state that nurture may play a greater role in creating a dark triad personality than nature. Childhood difficulties such as absent parents or abuse play a great role; it seems to be a response to not being valued by others, so they over-value themselves, take care of their own interests ahead of all others since that was the model they saw of adulthood.

So that’s the Dark Triad – what I’m going to call the worst case. But the spectrum varies from damaged with a heart of gold to outright psychopath (lacking empathy and a conscience). A better way to look at them (and what they say about us) is their alignment, which marks out good or evil, and chaotic or lawful.

So we have the chaotic good (bad boys): Often considered anti-heroes. These are pretty much all the rebel-rebels in the rebel forces in the Star Wars universe. They are rule breakers, like the bad guys, but they do it in the confidence that the rules they’re breaking are merely a hindrance and not really meaningful. They’re on a mission to do good, and rules be damned if they get in the way. They follow their own set of moral guideposts, not society’s.

Examples: Constantine, Jon Snow, the Punisher, the Crow, all of the Watchmen, Khan (from his perspective, he’s doing good for his people), Wolverine

And then there are the chaotic neutrals (bad at friends): These are truly independent characters with no ties or loyalties to anyone but themselves. They will throw you under the bus; they will work both sides if they’re getting something out of it. They’ll lie, cheat, and steal, but they generally don’t hurt people unless they have a reason. Whether they do good or bad, it’s because they feel like it that day. The next day may be completely different.

Examples: The Winter Soldier (eventually), any pirate, Deadshot, Dexter Morgan, Jax Teller, Snape, Zach Morris, Sherlock Holmes, Eric Northman (even though he holds a position of authority within an established bureaucracy, comments are made constantly about how he goes rogue, so I’m keeping him chaotic), Han Solo, Jack Burton, Marv (Sin City), Mal (Firefly), Wolverine (he’s very mercurial)

Chaotic evil (bad guys): Essentially out for destruction, and extremely self-interested. Seemingly evil just for the sake of being evil, as though it’s as arbitrary a trait as hair color. He rules his small band through fear and force, and is violent and unpredictable. Also, they have the best quips.

Examples: Negan, Kurgan, Joker, Damon Salvatore from season 1, Anton Chigurh, Hannibal (some put him in lawful evil, but he doesn’t dominate or orchestrate a large power structure – he’s an independent agent), Loki

But that’s not really what I’m asking. If we want to get philosophical:

Here’s Christianity in a nutshell, at least biblical Christianity, and most centuries after that: women caused the fall, women are evil, they’re weak, they’re temptresses, their brains are dumb, but we keep them around because we made being gay a sin. Adam is the poor, self-sacrificing hero and I’m the villain in the story.

As a woman, it’s hard not to feel that antagonism, and we’ve all had those accusations hurled at us at some point or another, used in an argument for female inferiority. It sucks.

Here comes satanic imagery. Well… I mean… there’s no question who the villain is here. The big red guy with the horns and tail. (Yeah, I know, it’s a stretch.)

But that’s still not what I’m asking – I want to know why I look at Hellboy, or Satan from Legend, or the gargoyle devil guy from Fantasia and lust.

Let’s go back to the bible. I know, I know. But we won’t respect it very much, okay? The fall of Lucifer, we have been taught, was brought about by his pride. He was God’s right-hand-man, the second-in-command. All the hyphens. And then along came Adam. Lucifer didn’t want to be less valuable to God than humans, and because of this pride, God and Satan waged war on one another, one which Lucifer and his army lost. I should say, it’s suggested that a third of the angels were on his side; that is not insignificant. All these pious, godly angels thought Lucifer’s arguments had merit.

Lucifer and his minions were then cast out of heaven, and Lucifer fell to earth in a blaze of beautiful self-righteousness. I’m embellishing, but you get the point. Now – Let’s flip that perspective a little bit. Lucifer just wanted daddy to love him. He had been with God through a lot, and he felt that he was being cast aside in favor of the new puppy. He just wanted to feel valuable and loved by his father. Can you really blame him for being upset? God is kind of an ass in this story. He basically used Lucifer, then iced him out after he created humans, WHO HE GAVE FREE WILL, then said Lucifer was declaring war by demanding he not be neglected, and THREW HIM OUT OF THE HOUSE.

Lucifer is often painted as petulant and vain, but viewed through the lens of the Christian doctrine, Lucifer’s story can be seen as social control for the masses back in the early days (and… the present). Know your place, defer to those closer to God in the hierarchy, take what you’re given and like it, otherwise YOU’RE JUST LIKE SATAN KING OF ALL THAT IS EVIL AND BAD. So UH OH – now Satan is a brooding, misunderstood figure doing the best he can under impossible circumstances. Classic bad boy material. Good job, organized Christianity. You just turned Satan into a sexy, sympathetic figure.

Let’s talk Satanism. Contrary to popular belief, Satanists don’t worship Satan – they just really like blasphemy. But more than that, they’re for intellectual freedom, and that feels like a direct dig at organized religion (at least Christianity) where you’re beholden to the rules of this sky-man, interpreted by humans and corroded down through translations over history. Often, society paints Satanists as evil-doing sex fiends who follow the cult of Anton LaVey, but really a lot of their organized activities revolve around protesting oppression, which are kind of their missionary quests.

The major difference between the LaVeyan Satanism and The Satanic Temple (TST) is that TST is atheistic, and also more engaged in scientific evolution (accepting that scientific understanding will change over time, and beliefs may need to change with it). Anton LaVey, from what I understand, was a drama queen, much like L. Ron Hubbard. TST has taken all the ridiculous stuff out and kept the more Humanism stuff (they differ from Humanists because Humanism doesn’t place such a major emphasis on individual sovereignty and non-conformism).

So if they’re atheist, why call themselves Satanists? They are named for Satan because, “Satan is symbolic of the Eternal Rebel in opposition to arbitrary authority, forever defending personal sovereignty even in the face of insurmountable odds. Satan is an icon for the unbowed will of the unsilenced inquirer… the heretic who questions sacred laws and rejects all tyrannical impositions.” (https://thesatanictemple.com/pages/faq)

Satanism revolves around the following seven tenets (https://thesatanictemple.com/pages/tenets). They’re pretty badass, and essentially you don’t have try too hard if you’re a decent human:

  • One should strive to act with compassion and empathy towards all creatures in accordance with reason.
  • The struggle for justice is an ongoing and necessary pursuit that should prevail over laws and institutions.
  • One’s body is inviolable, subject to one’s own will alone.
  • The freedoms of others should be respected, including the freedom to offend. To willfully and unjustly encroach upon the freedoms of another is to forgo your own.
  • Beliefs should conform to our best scientific understanding of the world. We should take care never to distort scientific facts to fit our beliefs.
  • People are fallible. If we make a mistake, we should do our best to rectify it and resolve any harm that may have been caused.
  • Every tenet is a guiding principle designed to inspire nobility in action and thought. The spirit of compassion, wisdom, and justice should always prevail over the written of spoken word.

There’s really nothing I disagree with in those tenets. I get to decide what to do with my own body? Hell yes. Scientific understanding of the world should shape our beliefs? Fuck yeah. Make your mistakes right? WHAT A CONCEPT. The thing I love about these tenets that I find is missing in Christianity is the emphasis on individual agency and responsibility. It’s basically my mantra of “don’t be a dick” but with more details, whereas Christianity is more “don’t be a dick because god said so and you might go to hell if you are a dick and also you should make everyone else not be a dick in the exact same way you’re not a dick.” Satanism is like “if you want to come not be a dick with us, that’s cool, otherwise bye.”

Bustle did an article on six women who’ve joined Satanism. One woman joined for the community of non-theistic, like-minded people. One joined because of Satanism’s emphasis on educating yourself. One woman said it’s a refreshing change from her Christian upbringing, which taught her to keep her head down and take the abuse. She says that Satanism’s core beliefs empowered her. “[Satanism] teaches you that you deserve everything the world has to offer…and you should never feel guilt or shame for getting these things.” Another woman joined for the strong social justice support for issues that affect LGBT persons and reproductive rights, while another woman enjoys the support for gender equality. The last woman interviewed said that Satanism offers encouragement and support for finding your way, whereas her Roman Catholic upbringing gave her only restrictions and guilt.

Notice that none of these women joined because they’re drawn to evil or lust after Satan. So maybe this is still not the answer I’m looking for.

Now, comic book stuff that’s not really addressed in the movie:  Hellboy is important. His destiny is to bring about the apocalypse. Well. Says Rasputin anyway. And as a distant relative of King Arthur, he’s also technically the ruler of England. Well. Says Morgan Le Fay, anyway. Neither of these are terribly reliable sources, so I guess we’ll just have to wait and see if the fire and brimstone ever come.

Also in the comics, he’s even more crusty and anti-social, from what I understand, and the demons he fights know what he is (the end of all things), so that comes up a lot more in the comics, but it’s said that the first Hellboy movie was based on some of the actual comics but didn’t stick too closely to them. I haven’t yet read any of the Hellboy comics, but the internet gives me the impression that the comics are kind of like episodic detective stories, with this supernatural-hell element being the focus of their investigations. The comics don’t reveal a whole lot about Hellboy’s personal life or past, so when del Toro adapted it for the screen, he had to fill in a lot of context and motivation for the characters that’s necessary for a unified story told over an hour and a half. And the creator of Hellboy, Mike Mignola, worked with del Toro, and so the movie still has the look and feel that he wanted, as far as possible. This is why you never hear me bitching about the differences between movies and books, or comics. They have to be different. It’s one thing if a movie based on a book just plain sucks, but if it doesn’t suck, don’t knock it just because it’s not exactly like the book. You wouldn’t want to sit through a twelve hour movie, would you? We have a culture where everyone who has no experience doing a particular thing loves to shit all over it. Stop shitting on things!

SHOULD WE TALK ABOUT THE NEW HELLBOY AND HOW WE’RE SCARED/EXCITED?

It’s coming in 2019. At first I was pissed because Hellboy stands as a perfect movie. But then I saw the cast – Chief Hopper (David Harbour) will play Hellboy. And then I found out that Milla Jovovich and Ian McShane will also be in it and I decided not to be pissed anymore. And then I saw a picture of new Hellboy and it looks amazing, so now I’m excited. Cautiously, but excited. Also it’s supposed to stick closer to the comics, but I don’t know what that means, really. AND I REALLY DON’T WANT CHIEF HOPPER TO HAVE A SMALLER ROLE IN THE NEXT STRANGER THINGS SEASON. So I’m really conflicted.

Favorite quote: “I’m fireproof.” – Hellboy

What did YOU think of the topics we discussed? We’d love to hear from you!

24. Hellboy

Listen to the podcast here: http://notyourmom.libsyn.com/24-hellboy

Nikki and Sher talk bad boys, Satanism, and go on a drunken rant about Christianity. Also, we get around to talking about the upcoming remake. Join us!

Articles referenced in the show:

https://thedebrief.co.uk/relationships/dating/dark-triad-attracted/

https://www.healthyplace.com/personality-disorders/psychopath/psychopath-vs-sociopath-what-s-the-difference

https://www.bustle.com/p/6-women-reveal-why-they-became-satanists-2984953

https://thesatanictemple.com/pages/faq

https://thesatanictemple.com/pages/tenets

Favorite quote: “I’m fireproof.” – Hellboy

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