Let Down

But I know it’s nothing to you

And while I ponder and dismantle

You cuddle up, cozy in yourself

Like I want to be.


The other me is confident

But she is dull now

She lives in your attention

She thrives on your words.


I have silenced you both

Tired of being lost in nothing

Making it my everything

Making her.


Hopeful and vibrant

She is all that makes me sick

Her giddiness infects me

My judgement crazed.


I come into your attention

Like a dog’s tail, wagging

Blindly devoted and

Always disappointed.


Yearn not for this wasting bed, with our fervent prayers and savage tears;
The comfort radiating from your gentle kisses
in time of tortured angst and sure despair
were sweet enough to warm us forever.

Fear not the wasted breaths of this hard world;
The laughter you inspired in determined anger
at the world for being red when we think green
was merry enough to keep us glad forever.

Curse not the wretched disease, wretched up and out when it is spoken;
The tender arms that enveloped us in unerring protection
With truth of mercy and mercy of love
Were long enough to hold us forever.

Fear not for the hands
hot with grief and
cold with terror;
They will follow you soon enough
and more gladly still
if it were
this same night.

Go forth in death, as in birth, into the light
And remark on the other side the joys you found
That never were expected.

Just a Typical Tuesday Night

I lost our wedding rings, my love

I was remembering how your ring was always a little too big for my thumb
But I’ve gained some weight
So I had to try
Even though I can’t wear my own band without tears and pain
So I get out of bed
And tread the silence of 2 am as quietly as possible
Because 2 am wants the company I don’t want to give
I make my way up the stairs
Making a mental note to vacuum them tomorrow
There’s so much dog hair on them
I stop at our sons room and peek in
He is an angel
So I go into the spare room and walk to the shelf
I think you’d like the box you’re in
Classic…not too over the top
Your name looks regal when it’s engraved
The top slides, so I move your favorite picture of us
That is in the frame I bought with the gift card we got as a wedding present
My smile was so big
I move the picture and slide the top from left to right
Inside is the rose you gave me
The one when you tried to get me back
I took it and then said “How dare you make me watch you drive away again.”
And then I watched you drive away for the last time
So I take out the rose and put my hand to where I think the rings are
So I slide my hand along the thick plastic that holds what is physically left of you
Maybe they slid down in a corner
So I check
And they aren’t there
My mind goes frantic
I replace the lid and run downstairs
The stairs I really need to vacuum tomorrow
Jewelry boxes
I check the first by grabbing the pile of hemp necklaces and chainless pendants
I open the second; the carved wood box you got me in California
I check another box, the one your mom gave me for Christmas
She’s dead, too
I go to my mom’s jewelry box
She’s also dead
I stand and stare into nothing
My mind racing
I do the only thing I can and run back upstairs
But like, who puts carpet on stairs anyway?
I take your box off the shelf and sit it on the bed
Slide the lid from left to right
Take out the rose
And I carefully lift you out
Not you
This bag of dust is not you
You were the one that made me laugh harder than anyone else in the world
You were the one that couldn’t live without me
You were the father of our child
You were mine
I glance over to the box
And there they are

Your ring is still a little too big for my thumb